Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "Wow! What a Ride!” - Hunter S. Thompson
A friend got a bit perturbed at me because I couldn’t join him in his emotions with the pandemic. Terror, outrage, helplessness, and more consumed many people as they sat quarantined in their homes glued to their T.V.s or internet devices. Meanwhile, I’m outside enjoying the sun and all Mother Nature always has to offer.
I couldn’t find the big, hairy deal within this supposed worldwide event. I tried. Really I did. This was catastrophic, right? People were dying. Sadness abounded. Panic stood waiting in the wings - armed and ready to explode onto the stage. And there I stood, looking around for this supposed threat and finding nothing worthy of such big emotions.
I know, it makes me sound like a horrible person - so I understood my friend’s anger. But that is me, forever standing on the outside, looking in, unable to join in on whatever current event had captured everyone’s attention. (In 50+ years, I’ve been through an endless number of “current event catastrophes”. There’s always at least one or two going on at any given time.) But doesn’t it seem like that is the way it always is? We hear about the catastrophes - but they are always happening “over there”. It was your neighbor who lost their house in the fire. It was your friend’s friend who died from Covid. It may seem as if you are directly affected - but are you really?
In a previous blog post, I touched on the gratitude I have for the abuse I experienced as a child because it showed me what’s beyond “fight or flight”.
Now, I’m not special. We ALL have been in many experiences where fight or flight wasn’t an option. And what arises instead is an interaction with our Infinite Self.
The Infinite Self flits through emotions but never stops for long. The Infinite Self be-bops from one state (I am’s) to another so quickly and so fluidly that it is completely incapable of stopping:
I am awake - onto the next thing.
I am eating breakfast - onto the next thing.
I am brushing my teeth, getting dressed, turning on the TV, tying my shoes, kissing a loved one, driving to work, talking to the boss, eating my lunch, using a napkin, commiserating with a friend, listening to music, going to the bank, cashing a check, smiling at that cute guy, imagining dinner with that cute guy - and onto the next and next and next thing.
Some “I am’s” register on your radar as enormous and some are just a blurry drive-bye. But each one is just as important in the expansion of your Infinite Self as the next. And when you enter the space beyond fight or flight you see this. You know this. You deeply understand that this event is just an infinitesimal blip on the colossal radar that is YOU.
Now, I know that if you are reading this you feel like a black sheep. You completely resonate with that previous sentence of “standing outside looking in”. You feel like such an anomaly and that no one really understands you. Babe, that is what it is to know and be your Infinite Self. This is your Infinite Self talking to you. Saying, “Hello.”
Your existence is the very fabric of the infinite and beyond. Infinite is everything (current knowings), and beyond (the unknown). How can you look into the unknown? Easily, you do it all the time. It’s called The Now. What is reading? You think it’s the words, but it is actually the spaces between the words that is essential in order to string them together to create something understandable. Your Infinite Self lives here, within the spaces between each state - with your toes on the very edge of the infinite forever bringing in the beyond.
My love, there is nothing wrong with you and only everything right. When you can’t stop for long because you’re too busy looking for the next sparklier jewel that you know is just around the corner - that is your Infinite Self being exactly that. Infinite. Bad-ass. Omniscient. Powerful. Confident. Expanding. Spinning. Skipping. Laughing. Falling down, limbs splayed out, and thinking, “Damn, what a mind-blowing ride this is.”
So, love it. Love the part of you that lives outside looking in. That sees the panic but just can’t join in. That sees death but quickly see beyond that too. Your Infinite Self isn’t invisible and it definitely isn’t vague. It’s right here, responding to your name, wondering when this long-ass blog is going to finish so you can go onto the next, and then the next thing after that, too.
💋KMFC
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